If you tend to say yes when you mean no, feel responsible for everyone’s happiness, or find yourself drained after gatherings, you are not alone. Boundary setting is one of the most effective ways to support your mental health during the holiday season, and the DBT skill DEAR MAN offers a practical framework for doing it.
At Tiny Therapy Collective, we teach strategies that help people communicate clearly, protect their energy, and stay grounded during stressful seasons. Boundaries are not barriers or punishments. They are expressions of what you need in order to feel safe, respected, and emotionally well.
Why the Holidays Make Boundaries Harder
Even people with strong boundaries can struggle during the holidays. This season comes with its own challenges, including:
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Expectations from family or friends
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Pressure to attend events, host gatherings, or keep traditions
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Guilt when saying no
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Fear of disappointing others
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Old patterns resurfacing
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Increased stress, anxiety, or sensory overload
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Emotional flashbacks or complicated family histories
If any of this resonates, boundaries are not only appropriate, they are protective. They help you show up in ways that feel genuine rather than stretched thin or overwhelmed.
What Healthy Boundaries Can Look Like
Healthy boundaries can sound like:
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“I can come for dessert, but I need to leave by 8.”
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“I am not drinking this season, so I will bring my own beverages.”
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“I cannot attend this year, but I hope you have a wonderful time.”
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“I am not comfortable talking about this topic.”
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“I am choosing to rest today.”
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“I can help with one dish, but not the entire meal.”
These statements are rooted in self-respect, clarity, and honesty. And they become even easier with a structured communication tool like DBT’s DEAR MAN.
Using DBT’s DEAR MAN Skill to Set Holiday Boundaries
DEAR MAN is a communication strategy from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) that helps you express your needs clearly, respectfully, and effectively.
It stands for:
Describe
Express
Assert
Reinforce
Mindful
Appear confident
Negotiate
Let’s break it down in a holiday context.
1. Describe
Start with the facts of the situation, without emotion or blame.
Example:
“I noticed that every year I am expected to host dinner and prepare most of the food.”
This sets the foundation without criticism.
2. Express
Share how the situation affects you emotionally or physically.
Example:
“I feel overwhelmed and exhausted when everything falls on me.”
Use “I” language to lower defensiveness.
3. Assert
Clearly state your boundary or request.
Example:
“I need us to share the responsibilities this year. I can host, but I cannot prepare all the food.”
This is the part most people skip because it feels uncomfortable, but it is essential.
4. Reinforce
Explain the positive outcome or why your request supports the relationship.
Example:
“If we divide the work, I will have more energy to enjoy the day together.”
Reinforcement shows you are thinking about connection, not conflict.
5. Mindful
Stay focused on your message.
Do not get pulled into guilt, side conversations, or emotional reactions.
A simple phrase can help you stay steady:
“I hear you, and my plan stays the same.”
6. Appear Confident
You do not need to feel confident to appear confident.
A calm tone, steady pace, and relaxed body language can help.
Confidence signals that your boundary is not up for debate.
7. Negotiate
Healthy boundaries allow for compromise when appropriate.
Negotiation is not about giving in. It is about finding a workable solution.
Example:
“If hosting is too much for me this year, I am open to coming to your home instead.”
Negotiation only works when your core boundary stays intact.
Examples of DEAR MAN for Holiday Situations
If someone pressures you to drink:
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D: “You offered me a drink.”
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E: “I feel uncomfortable when people keep asking after I have said no.”
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A: “I am choosing not to drink.”
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R: “I will enjoy the gathering much more if this boundary is respected.”
If family wants more time than you can give:
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D: “There are several events happening this week.”
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E: “I feel drained when I do not have time to rest.”
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A: “I am attending one event, not all of them.”
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R: “This helps me be more present and engaged when I do come.”
If someone brings up topics you do not want to discuss:
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D: “You asked me about something I am not comfortable talking about.”
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E: “It makes me feel uneasy.”
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A: “I am choosing not to talk about that today.”
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R: “Changing the topic helps me stay involved in the conversation.”
DEAR MAN becomes easier with practice. The more you use it, the more natural it feels.
Everyday Supports for Boundary Setting
Boundaries work best when supported by small, consistent habits. Here are a few:
Take a moment before responding to invitations
Decide what you want your holiday to look like
Identify people who feel supportive and people who feel draining
Bring grounding tools with you to gatherings
Text someone who understands your boundaries before or after events
Plan breaks or exit strategies
Practice saying short, clear statements
If you struggle with guilt after setting boundaries, that is very normal. Guilt often shows up when you do something new or choose yourself in a way you are not used to.
How Therapy Can Help With Boundaries
Boundary setting is a skill that can be learned and strengthened. Therapy can help with:
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Assertiveness
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Emotional regulation
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Guilt or people-pleasing
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Stress and burnout
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Relationship strain
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Anxiety around conflict
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Identity and self-worth
If boundary-setting feels hard, you deserve support as you learn tools that make it easier.
You can learn more about:
Each plays a role in building healthy emotional boundaries.
Taking the Next Step
The holidays are a time for connection, but that connection should not cost you your peace.
Setting boundaries is not about pushing people away. It is about creating space for relationships that feel respectful, supportive, and emotionally safe.
If you would like help practicing boundaries or using DEAR MAN in real situations, our therapists at Tiny Therapy Collective are here to help.
Book a free 15-minute consultation to get support this holiday season.
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